Dad's 104th Birthday
Today is my Father's birthday and 18 years after his passing I am just starting to miss him. Why am I just starting to miss him? He was a "Damon Runyon" ("Guys and Dolls") character, emphasis on character, to the outside world. Although he was a tough SOB and especially hard on his first born son he is finally starting to get through to me. In the early 80s I wrote a painful piece about him and here are some excerpts which will impart some of his "flavor":
A short, bald, stocky, fun-loving drinker who married late for who knows why. He was known to say to her, "I picked you up out of the gutter and I can throw you back." He was never seen at home, just heard rolling into my sleep -- a loud and roaring drunk. But he was self-made and, of course, Great. He had meager time for me and he never ever spanked me. But, I overheard him sneer that he would buy my love and at 16 he gave me a convertible and changed my life. Suddenly I was a Big Man too. When it came time for college he advised me that I'd be "taking up space". He told me I was a "bum" and should go to work. His disapproval extended to my marrying for love and not for money -- a very low percentage "sucker move". Then came the summers I worked for him -- he rode me hard trying to simulate his own apprenticeship. His workers whispered "Little Hitler" and how could I help but hear?
You're tired now and your piss and vinegar have run dry. They say you've mellowed, but what about me old man? It's never too late. Please, just once, tell me how good a boy I am and how much you love me.
He was tough and hard, but now I find myself constantly quoting him, e.g., "My father said there is nothing new under the sun", "My father said nothing is ever said in jest", "My father said get on their level", "My father said you can get more with honey than vineger", "My father said never give a sucker an even break", "My father taught me to live within one's means", etc., and utilizing interpersonal skills he somehow transferred to me, e.g., "Give a firm handshake and look him in the eye" . Now I wish he were around and more mellow, so I could hear his stories and ask for his counsel. Happy Birthday Dad! I miss you! I miss you a lot!
Comments
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-Alex
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It's amazing how much we need our parents' love and approval.... That's one reason shrinks exist!!
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> line getting more with honey than vinegar because he didn't apply that
> to you. My Mom could be as harsh as your Dad.
> Even though many things stick, what also sticks is the fact that at 53
> years old, it took her to loose her leg and that of both my brothers
> before she heard her friends say often enough that she had an amazing
> daughter. So much that for the one and only time She did say I was
> amazing. She died 18 months later. My Father died never saying it.
> What he did say was that I was a "Berkowitz" (maiden name) and rising to the occasion was expected so there would never be any accolades or "I'm proud of
> you" for doing what was expected.
>
What they didn't understand is that there is a difference between rising to excellence versus perfection. Perfection is elusive. Excellence is on going born of trial and error. They never let me forget my errors and would bring it up when ever an argument ensued.
I learned later that it was unfair and dirty tactics. I also learned later
how to forgive and understand that they were doing what they thought
was best for me even if I didn't agree.
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My parents married for love and my mother loves him still, although he died on this date 18 years ago.
Her "boyfriend" didn't mind. He got the next 15 years with her! Love is all that matters. That is the true mark of success.
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And I will never forget your eulogy.
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35 years later I wish I could introduce him to all the amazing friends and trusted colleagues I have in NYC through Gotham.
Memories...I still miss him though.
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Charlie Schreiber
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"And stay away from Andy Warhol!!!!!'
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--The Suck-Up Counting Commissioner
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P.S. Get out and dig another Poop Circle for Charcoal. This one is history. You will find it in the Spring !
Hollander Sends
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Parents profoundly influence their offspring sometimes passively, sometimes proactively, sometimes benignly. Sometimes we only learn those lessons later in life, long after they leave us; sometimes it occurs when we take on roles they've had.
Some things I do because of my dad; others I avoid doing for the same reason.
Just know you learned your lessons well...and it made me think of me think of a song with the lyrics, "But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well... just have to please myself."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAHR7_VZdRw
and an updated version by my fave singer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_SzvvE3vO8
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One includes the occasion when I stopped at your house after playing tennis to get dressed to go to the city, and Joanne gave me one of your ties to wear. I think when you saw me, you said, "There but for the grace of God...." or, if you didn't, you should have. After one of our meetings, I went to a meeting of the Board members of the Wildlife Legislative Fund at the Metropolitan Opera (one of the Board members was on the Met Board), and during the opera, another Board member turned to me and asked, "Henry, do I like this?" If you will invite me to the Friars Club, we can have a reunion and perhaps even negotiate a contract. If you do, I can check whether Bucky is still around and the reminiscences will be audible miles away. Until then, my best
wishes and you'll soon be hearing from me. Henry Foner
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My own father was married four times. As you know, he had a difficult "assignment" during the Second World War, which probably made him rather cold towards his wives and children. He's been gone thirteen years... I can't say that I miss him a lot.
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