Submitted by Erik_Scheibe on

Grieving

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Health

It is something I've never experienced before.  I am a problem solver.  When something bothers me, I obsess on it.  I devour it like a starved lion until it is resolved.  But I have never experienced grieving before.

It has now been 5 days since my father's funeral and not only have I not solved this, but I don't even know the problem.  I am leading towards the understanding that what is different about grief is that it is a problem with no solution.  It is simply waves of confusion and sorrow until it wears off like the half-life of radioactive material.  Nothing to figure out, nothing to solve, nothing to provide relief but time.

My father and I didn't get on much growing up, but over the last 20 years, we had developed a much more positive relationship.  It began with him working hard helping us fix up our first two homes, he and my mother taking care of my children after school and culminating with he and I re-building my 800 square foot deck this past summer.  It is not guilt, not regret, I haven't had a chance to miss him yet and he went peacefully in his sleep after 25 years of heart trouble.

I have never truly understood grieving, but I hope I have started to get my arms around it now.

Comments

Mitch Tobol

I'm so sorry for your loss. In time you will be able to have some perspective on this. Right now, let it be and allow yourself the space to grieve.
Corey Bearak

Condolences on your loss. Think of what you did together and how it made a difference in your life. Not everyone has physical structures that can serve as a constant reminder of a special bond. You enjoy the memories as everyone has, but you have as one example that deck you can sit on, relax and know, even when you just look at it, you built it with your dad. No matter the project, I always thought it special learning stuff from a parent (My dad was expert in carving Turkey or other meats; I learned the skill from him and even got opportunities to demonstrate while he was around). Clearly you enjoyed things with your Dad not very son got to do, even if much of the joy came during your adult years.
Fred Klein

Having lost my parents I understand. Please understand that by writing this blog you are engaging in the process of grieving. Well done and sorry!
Dana Charlton

Please accept my heartfelt condolences, Erik. Grief is so personal, so subjective, so loving. You may still be in shock, and the grief stage is edging up. As Fred said, by writing and reading replies, it will help, but it will be in your own time ~ there's just no time schedule for it.
Nancy Schess

Erik, so sorry for your loss but thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I expect that so many people who have experienced this same loss would share your emotions. Please know that your Gotham family is behind you.
David Abeshouse

Deepest condolences, Erik. You're doing what you need to do. It's inconceivable to lose someone you've known all your life, and who's been so important in it, in various ways. In time, you'll figure it out, or it'll work itself out; that's not to minimize it, but rather to recognize what usually seems to occur, and to acknowledge the process. And it's different each time, so do whatever you need to do to integrate your understanding of the situation. Thanks for sharing, because in so doing you not only help yourself, but others as well. With deepest sympathy, David

Submitted by NULL (not verified) on Wed, 12/25/2013 - 06:55

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I am sorry for your loss. May his memory be for a blessing.Mark Krieget

Submitted by NULL (not verified) on Wed, 12/25/2013 - 07:20

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So very sorry for your loss. Its way to soon to not be grieving but when you can, try to celebrate the good son you were, the caring father he was and the memorable times you had together.
Janet Adler

Submitted by NULL (not verified) on Wed, 12/25/2013 - 09:27

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I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad almost 2 years ago and my brother shortly thereafter. Taking care of my Mom, I haven't had time to grieve-yet it sneaks up on me every so often. A beautiful day, a joke he would have appreciated, potato latkes for hanukah. Cherish your memories. They will give you comfort.

Submitted by NULL (not verified) on Wed, 12/25/2013 - 09:54

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I am so sorry for your loss. Be thankful for the time that you got to know and care about your dad after you became an adult. The time that you and he spent caring for on another and you family will be forever precious to you and yours. Thank you for sharing with your Gotham family.

Submitted by NULL (not verified) on Wed, 12/25/2013 - 14:10

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A dear friend helped me gain perspective of my grief after the loss of my beloved father...
she said the pain never really leaves, it just softens over time...and it did.

Submitted by Liz_Saldana on Wed, 12/25/2013 - 21:57

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Liz Saldana

Erik, I'm so sorry for your loss. Having lost all my (original) family members over the years, I have experienced grief in many different ways. Give yourself time and let those that care for you help.

Submitted by NULL (not verified) on Wed, 12/25/2013 - 22:04

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Jil Haimson - My heart aches for you Erik - i completely understand what you feel. The most important thought is that as long as you keep him in your heart and thoughts, he is not really gone. Embrace your memories and channel it into your own children. love ya!

Submitted by Erik_Scheibe on Thu, 12/26/2013 - 01:50

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Erik Scheibe

Thank you to everyone for their kind words, thoughts and condolences.
Riva Schwartz

I am so sorry for your loss, Erik. I agree with Anon. ,the pain never really leaves, it just softens over time.

Submitted by Judy_Heft on Thu, 12/26/2013 - 03:45

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Judy Heft

Sorry for your loss Erik. The grief comes in waves and hits at the most unexpected times. Especially when there are simchas to celebrate. I still have my mother's number in my phone and it's been quite a while. The pain never leaves a hole but at times it takes a little break! My thoughts and prayers are with you. Forget about the earlier years and focus on the good times. That helps a little. Remember he would be proud of the man you are!

Submitted by NULL (not verified) on Thu, 12/26/2013 - 04:49

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Eric, I have shared this quote recently with other Gothamites. "grief never ends...but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay...Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith...it is the price of love."

Submitted by NULL (not verified) on Thu, 12/26/2013 - 06:21

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Eric, Sorry for your loss, as anonymous wrote, "Grief never ends...but changes with time", your dad left you with a lot of himself, the memories of your dad helping you fix your house is priceless, what he taught you is priceless, enjoy his memory.

Submitted by NULL (not verified) on Thu, 12/26/2013 - 22:48

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Eric, so sorry for your loss, particularly at this time of year. Your description of your grieving process reminded me of exactly what I experienced when my father passed away, the waves of grief that creep up when least expected. You are on a journey. So glad you could share it with us. Embrace it and take the ride. It is a growth process that has a course of its own and a time unique to you. Your father was fortunate to have you as his son.

Submitted by NULL (not verified) on Fri, 12/27/2013 - 08:54

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Like so many others, Erik, I wish I didn't know this loss. For a time it feels unreal, as much as you know that's not the case. I think you've got it exactly right with 'I am leaning toward the understanding that what is different about grief is that it is a problem with no solution. It is simply waves of confusion and sorrow until it wears off like the half-life of radioactive material. Nothing to figure out, nothing to solve, nothing to provide relief but time.' Time, your loved ones and others close to him who understand help.... still it is hard, and doesn't make emotional sense. Thinking of you ~ Iris

Amparo Connors

Erik you have my deepest sympathy. Your memories, specially of the deck built this summer, will surely help you through. With time it does get easier to focus on the good memories and smile, even laugh, specially when you least expect it.

Submitted by NULL (not verified) on Sun, 12/29/2013 - 21:36

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Erik, My condolences to you and your family. I have found that grief is a process. It is not easy but you neede to go through the process. You need to talk about it and not keep it inside. I find that speaking about my Loved one, telling stories helps the process. You might want to consider a bereavement group. This is helpful but you need to wait approximately three months. The wound is hurtful, especially this time of the year. Surround yourself with positive people and people that care about you.
Rona Gura

Erik, I just read this. You have my deepest sympathies. I was able to get much closer to my dad as I got older. Losing him two years ago was very hard because I felt that we were finally at a great place, where we accepted one another. Grieving is hard but sometimes its the little things that bring us a smile. I have his wallet at the bottom of one of my drawers. I take it out every few weeks and just holding it makes me smile.

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