Eve's father will be 95 a month from now. Understand what you are going through.

It's hard to motivate some one who doesn't want to be motivated. My 92 year old mother-in-law sits in her house in Queens only venturing out to doctors and if/when we find that rare 'something' that gets her out of the house. My 91 year young friend, Hedda, is so active I have to schedule lunch with her 2-3 weeks in advance. Hedda actually has more health problems than my mother-in-law, they are both widows and live alone. The difference is attitude. Hedda works through the "issue of the day" to enjoy life. My mother-in-law, not so much. When I get to my 90's, I want to be like Hedda.

My heart goes out to you!

Mitch; Ben and I are getting ready to return from Israel tonight but I had a minute to check email- you know how much I can relate to your difficult situation; sometimes we just have to accept decisions of others even though we know they're wrong. Your dad would understand that you are doing all you can and are honoring your promise to the best of your ability.7

My father was just moved to a rehab after a three week stay in a Queens hospital. He has never attempted to take care of his health and now is slowly falling apart. Too difficult for words to describe - but you are right it's a roller coaster!

My grandfather broke his hip some decades ago and he too was unwilling to do anything to get up and go. But he did, and what made the difference was a very smart nurse who said: "Mr. Smith, you can do anything you like. But I can tell you that if you don't work at this, your life is over. But it isn't over in a nice comfortable tidy way. Here's what's in store: First, bed sores. You don't know pain until you've had an unremitting bedsore, 24/7, and once they start it's almost impossible to heal them for many people. Not only that, but as your inactivity sets in, you will become depressed. It is not unusual for people suffering depression to experience what's called pseudodementia, which has all the earmarks of Alzheimer's, but is curable. It's a lousy way to die. If you're willing to risk being in unremitting pain with hardly a brain in your head and lack of care and increasing indifference on the part of your caregivers, it's up to you. I won't be one of those caregivers, by the way—I take care of the living I'm here to listen to your decision whenever you're ready to make it. And, if you decide you want to live, I will support you and teach you and encourage you and celebrate with you, because you can make it." My grandpa was livid. He didn't talk to her for the next 3 days. She took care of his needs and read her book. On the fourth day, he said, "Alright, Mary, I'm ready." She said, "Good, let's get you out of the dump and get you walking." He worked his tail off and had another good year in her care.

Mitch,
The loss of will by a loved one is maybe the toughest thing to accept. Hang in, sometimes they come around and make a comeback. You're doing all you can. Care giving is exhausting mentally and physically; it is not selfish to take some time for yourself to recharge.
Bob O.

Truly sorry for your heartache. And for you mother who is suffering physically AND emotionally. It's a hard call but Jacqui's suggestion may be the jolt to jump-start mom's
synapses. Then, if she doesn't rally, you have a choice: Let depression take its course or
consult her physician about medication, if she will be receptive. If that doesn't work, consult your rabbi to make peace with this.

Depression oftentimes follows after injury or illness. My dad had heart valve replacement and one bypass at age 76. He refused to follow recommended protocols for physical therapy. We gave into his stubbornness and let him move at his own pace. Eventually he came around. The key is hope and believing you have something to live for. I hope the same occurs for your mother. It takes time. Perhaps a chat with an old friend who went through the same thing could motivate or inspire her ?

I've been there Mitch and its a terrible place to be. I was caught between what I knew my mom wanted for herself (to let go) and what my Dad thought at the time would be best(to try new treatments). All I can say, is make the decision based on what you know in your heart is best for her. Wherever he might be, your Dad would agree

((((((HUGS))))))) tie a knot and hang on. She misses your dad, as I'm sure you all do. As kids we see only the parental side. You are a wonderful son and knowing that you do your best...your dad can only smile :)

My mom is 75, just "beat" lung cancer and is morbidly obese. Trying to get her to do anything healthy is like talking to a wall. Now she's started taking diabetes medication. It's beyond comprehension that she doesn't take better care of herself. She has 2 Bar Mitzvahs to look forward to (my boys are 8 and 10) but even I wouldn't bet on those odds. I get so angry at her that when I'm done crying, I pause, take a few very deep breaths and realize I can only do so much. It's her life.

Mitch: Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.

Mother was a pioneer, ridiculously well-educated, smart and tough. She had a successful career in publishing long before most women worked, and her friends were kind of in awe of her.

A couple of years after a triple by-pass surgery, and another highly unpleasant event, she sort of faded away into dementia and lived for another five-plus years with 24/7 help in her own home. We tried to get her to go into a CCRC, but she wouldn't even discuss non-independence. In the end, she did things her way.

She's been gone six years... So it goes.

In the City, the Department for the Aging funds Caregivers programs to help folks deal with these tough issues. Always interesting what help our seniors will accept and refuse.

Hugs to you to Mitch. This could be a good time to bring in a geriatric social worker who is a 3rd party and very familiar with the underlying issues your Mom is going through that are too tangled in the parent-child relationship. Sure, she may be equally reluctant to cooperate, but I'd consider it. SeniorBridge has some great people to help with this. I feel for you, BUd!